everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
