I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
how does that bad decision feel?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
