a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
