I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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