God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
