its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
