I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
