saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
