It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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