i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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