Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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