and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
