i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
