Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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