Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
