Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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