I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
