I wish I could teleport
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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