Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
