I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
