Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
it hurts more in the daytime
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
