i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
