I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
