I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
