I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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