the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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