I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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