she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
