"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize