I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize