When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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