I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
