we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
