thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
