break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
