this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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