Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
