I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
