Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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