just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
