i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
