Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
