I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
