He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
