dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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