Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
A+ Viking dick
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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