Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
