yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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