listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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