Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
