My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
