3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sext me about skeletons
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
