I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
