grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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