the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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