she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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