i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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