And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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