dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
