pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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