I got chris browned last night
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
