So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
