Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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