How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize